Are you a woman?
Then don’t you DARE lift weights.
And that’s it!
You know it – lifting weights turns ladies into lumberjacks.
Gets girls to germinate into gorillas.
How awfully horriblifying is that?
Your mama told you this, God Bless her.
Your grandmamma did too.
So have all your (overweight, out of shape) friends.
Now I want to help you agree with them.
Keep the following list handy.
These are the top 12 reasons why women should never – and I repeat, NEVER – touch weights.
Makes me feel faint just thinking about it.
Oh, the humanity.
OK without further ado:
THE DASTARDLY DOZEN
Wake up and pay attention.
If you ever wanted to know why you should never train with weights, here are 12 zingers you can whip out in any conversation.
#12 – You can’t look ladylike while training
Just imagine sweating in public. Droplets of perspiration running down your red face. Ruining your make-up (the one you apply to cover the problems your lack of health is causing your complexion). Not to mention your hair. It might get ruffled and look awful. And risk chipping your nails on that nasty, hard metal? Oh the vapours! Stay away. There’s nothing but nothing that several layers of Olay and Avon can’t hide.
#11 – You might make men feel inferior
Or worse – you might intimidate them! You know how guys are better than gals in everything. Well OK – ladies can have babies and clean things better. See? Two things you are better at than men. You should be happy with that. Confidence in yourself and an appreciation of girl power is not something any woman should aspire to.
#10 – A woman’s place is in the kitchen
That’s right. You have your own place. That’s either in front of the oven or in front of the sink. The gym is not for you. No white appliances there. You should be making snacks (and sampling them) and opening beer for the guys. Not curling weights and destroying your own limitations.
#9 – Your kids need to see a woman’s place is in the kitchen
That’s right. Don’t confuzzle their little brains. A woman’s place is a woman’s place. Don’t question the status quo. Don’t show your kids how to become stronger and expand their options by challenging their limits. Keep it simple sweetheart. And get me another beer would you, love?
# 8 – Your (fat) friends don’t like to be left alone
Did you know studies have shown that if your close friends are overweight, you have a 171% chance of becoming the same way? Even if that close friend was miles away. Holy crap – 171% chance!! That’s like playing Russian Roulette with all the chambers loaded while squatting over an M18 Claymore. Why even bother? Screw the gym and give the girls some company. Pass around that Ben & Jerry’s, darlin’.
# 7 – Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round
Who wants a round, tight, firm ass? Not you. That’s not the way mama made it. A woman’s ass should be squishy and saggy, and well rolled with comforting fat. Squats and lunges give you the kind of solid, hemispherical glutes that architects swoon over. The kind of butt to be avoided at all costs.
#6 – A woman always needs to ask for help
You’re not supposed to be able to do heavy things by yourself. You need to ask for assistance when opening a jar of pickles. Or carrying heavy stuff. It’s the way things are meant to be. Makes the man feel needed. Resistance training has a nasty side effect of making you seriously strong and able to take care of yourself. Hell no! Stay weak, woman.
#5 – Your friends will pick on you, or worse, abandon you
“Oh you’re so boring. You’re always eating healthy. You won’t drink with us anymore. We can’t take you clubbing with us. You’re no fun.” You need those kind of people in your life – the kind that drag you down, poison your resolve and keep you feeling as bad as they do. With friends like that, you’re set for life.
#4 – Medication is part of living
It’s an irrefutable element of a female’s existence that you should get weaker as you age. You are supposed to get fatter. You are supposed to get saggier. You are supposed to get brittle bones that break with the slightest of falls. You are supposed to get high blood pressure and heart attacks at an early age. You are supposed to take multiple medications that make you rattle as you walk. Weight training actually mitigates all these factors and makes a woman healthier, stronger and happier. Don’t be THAT girl!! How dare you?
#3 – You want to turn as much food into fat as you can
One thing more active muscles do is give you a higher metabolic rate. That means you will need more energy to keep your body going and muscles use fat as energy stores. You would actually be able to indulge a little extra and NOT gain any extra fat. No I say. No, no and no! Eat and pudge up. Just the way it’s supposed to be.
#2 – You can still squeeze into a smaller jean sizes anyway
You know you can. Suck it up. Pack it in. Invest in small industrial equipment if you have to. But those small jeans will…still…gngng…fit! Just be careful not to aim the front button at anyone – you know, just in case. And you can hide the overflowing muffin top oh-so-easy. That’s what clothes are for, silly! Who wants a nice, trim tummy, abs and slender, shapely legs? Take that, you nasty gym bunnies!
#1 – Nothing, but nothing, beats denial
When all is said and done, lying to yourself is always at hand. There are always a thousand and one lies to one single truth. You can lie till you are blue in the face about why you cannot, should not and must not lift. The pleasure of an infinite choice of lies wins over becoming the best you can ever be. Screw hard work. You know all about the “I love myself the way I am” ditty. You can always buy something expensive to distract you from your discomfort. Out of shape? Breathless? Miserable? “Look at my designer sunglasses. And have you seen my new iPhone? Lovely. What? Go swimming in a bikini? Are you fucking mad?”
AND NOW YOU KNOW
Just in case someone ever tells you how effective and beneficial resistance training is.
Just in case it ever crosses your mind that you could be better than you ever thought possible.
Just in case you even dared imagine yourself building the body of your dreams while feeling amazing, energetic and powerful beyond belief.
These are the top reasons why you should stay who you are.
Why you should never, ever change.
Because it’s just not meant to happen when you’re a woman.
And you better be happy with that.
Text by Donatello Pisani, original post found here.